Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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