Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
