I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
