Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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