i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Never underestimate the power of titties
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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