y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize