yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
