If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
