Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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