Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
