genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
