woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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