she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my sisters under your porch take her home
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
