whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
