Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
