I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
