farters have to be the big spoon...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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