Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
