Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
