Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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