Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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