Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
