i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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