I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize