She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
