Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Did you pee in the oven last night??
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
