New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
