Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
