So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
