the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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