Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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