Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
