I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
