I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
