This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
