every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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