My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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