I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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