Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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