I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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