apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
