I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize