Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
