can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize