hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
