you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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