New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
