Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
