I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
