I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
