Need sex. Gaining weight.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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