We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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