No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
