dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
