I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Randomize
