The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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