We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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