I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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