Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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