Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
