im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
