First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
