you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
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