What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
